I never liked Valentine’s Day anyway…

There’s a quote I’ve seen hanging around the web. It goes… “Be everything you loved about the person you lost.”..

This day is a significant one for our household. A year ago we lost another we love. As abruptly and traumatic as the loss of my son, Jackson’s brother, Brandon.  Had I known than, what I know now… the rumination; it has taken me to dark places. Even though I thought I had mourned my love within our relationship, Jamie.. he was my heart for over 10 years. One of my biggest supporters, my best friend and love of my life to the core.  I was sorely wrong, on thinking I had mourned anything at all.  So. Very. Wrong.

The morning of February 14, 2018, I was suddenly flung into a confusion of more loss, disrupting the platform I had built-in recovery from 2016 on and… Jackson. Our boy.  My heart was disrupted to levels not seen in the wake of Brandon. Jamie protected Jackson for me at that time. This time, I was on my very own and it was a doozy because I knew from the wake of Brandon’s death, this would NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN, AGAIN. Ughhh…

My mental health spiraled and I’ve struggled to merely maintain, my anxiety, the heavy of complex PTSD and grief/loss, the hyper vigilance I’ve gone into to protect what could implode our world yet again as a mom and human being begging for some calm from the universe.  I became angry at ignorance, saddened by loneliness, mourned a human I felt the most connected to in my life and wonder if I will ever find something quite like the happy that I got to feel when the going was good. I isolated. I cried, I talked to air. I drank, I slept. I over ate. Feeling like you are morphing out of familiar skin into unknown is an experience I struggle to find words for.  My brain has dreamed up some fucked up thoughts, dreamed quite a few fucked up dreams and witnessed unmistakable trauma.  And, right there, that’s where I cut myself some slack for being self aware enough to know all those things and be kind on myself that healing from them takes time.  I’ve been here in the wake of my childs loss, let me tell you the heavy I carry that I am here again, grieving, healing, recovering. A very frustrating deal for someone who battles mental health illness and the desire to funnel alcohol down her throat to numb it all.

It’s been a grueling year but, I maintained.  I maintained seeing my counselor Chris weekly, as well. I remembered everything I had and was working so hard for and why. I remembered what was important. It’s been a year of this process for Jackson and I. Relearning. Rebuilding. Becoming, again. Chris has been a key component to the successes that haven’t led me backwards for 2 years now. The support I have gained through her helpful and positive guidance is like most of the workers who have touched my journey, impactful and helpful! Being supported in healthy ways is a gift in healing that is second to none. Reaching out and believing in help along the way is half the battle. We can let this shit make us, or, break us but I assure you, we cannot do it alone.

What we believe directly affects our environment.  I believe there is hope still. There is still beauty to be found within our pain. I can carry the compassion and love that Jamie so clearly gave me time after time, and be exactly that part of him that I fell in love with in 2006, when his face burned itself into my mind, my heart and my soul for the first time.  I can carry those things and continue to instill them into our beautiful little boy, who never fails to remind me, just how strong and resilient we are.

I still cry if I need to and miss 2 very loved human beings who profoundly changed my view on life, love… on living..  I hope the heavens are beautiful for you both, above.

In loving memory of a dear love, to many.

James Alexander Rohr

Novemeber 21, 1971 – February 13, 2018

Miss you, so much, My Jame

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