This day is such a painful day for so many woman who have suffered the unimaginable pain of child or pregnancy loss, woman who struggle to even conceive and for both the men and woman who have lost their beloved mom. Strained mother/child relationships, Dads who pull double duty as mom in the absence of one. Special days such as this, Mother’s Day, can play with your mind and healing and it certainly did me this past week.
I prepare in advance mentally around, birthdays, death anniversaries and all dates I see as pivotal in my own grief. This year, 2 days I didn’t really prep for (I found I didn’t need to in past years) have kicked me in the gut and winded me. World Down Syndrome Day, and this day. Mother’s Day.
It’s very possible that I may have triggered my own self in agreeing to do an interview with CTV News journalist Graham Slaughter, whom has published a story encompassing loss around Mother’s Day, but, I would be a fool to not speak and bring awareness to the millions of people worldwide who don’t necessarily celebrate this day, but rather, grieve a little more, a little harder.. For us, this day sucks!
You will never ever replace the absence of the beloved one we lost. That absence is so very present 5 days later, 50 years later. It will never dissipate. This is where the ignorance of the world sometimes takes my breath away and for so many reasons. From parents who are separate and struggle to co-parent children in a healthy, effective manner that makes it about the children, NOT themselves, to the ones who take for granted the fact they have that other parent to help them out at all because, not only do I know the pain of my child’s absence, I know the pain of being the only living parent. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever done in my life. Be the only living parent. My oh my how trivial and selfish some things look when the big picture really hits home. Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. For a person such as myself, it’s a ripple effect into every aspect of life.
I wrote this 1 year ago today and plastered it to my personal Facebook page… “It’s pretty safe to say that in 19yrs of being a mom, this is the first time I have felt so much fear, anxiety and intimidation about being a mom.
It was one thing to embrace mothers day as a ‘loss mom’, its another to embrace it as a mom who is now the only living parent.
The fear of failure is strong and the anxiety of keeping it together so I can continue to hold the pieces of his world together, is beyond words one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced.
Tonight, Jackson comforted me. Asking if I’m ok and telling me it’s ok to miss his dad and that he comes to see us in the trees that surround us as a cardinal. Jackson showed me just how good I am doing as his mom. He’s embracing trauma and tragedy because of how I perceive loss and grief and how I have relayed that with him.
Tonight, I wasn’t so scared, because of the loving and kind boy that Jamie and I have raised. We did good, Jame! And I’m gonna keep killing it like you told me to!” There is absolutely nothing I would change about any of what I wrote. Except, I would apologize to not only my children and Jamie and his children for being such a selfish jerk in some cases on so many occasions. Live and learn.
The fear and anxiety has lessened, but, it’s still there. Expectation of myself to absolutely crush it parenting Jackson is through the roof, always. Not 3 mornings ago we sat in our bathroom getting ready for our days and had to both stop and sit and talk about how we are working together and why, because we have lost so much and we are all we have to rely on daily. What I wouldn’t give, to go back though, I love the beauty I have found, but nothing will every replace the beauty of what we have lost. So take a look around yourself and before you be a ‘Richard’ of the world to someone, think of the impact of their absence. Find the value of what really matters in the bigger picture because everything can change, in the blink of an eye, overnight. I know it does. I put my son to bed in his crib and awoke not 5hrs later and began a fight for breath that continues to haunt me to this day. I put my other son to bed one night and the next morning had to look him in the eye and tell him his father died. Be kind, give love, it doesn’t matter what you get back. Give goodness and respect. Hug your mom, children and loved ones so tight today and everyday for you never know it could be the very last time.
To all moms today, Happy Mothers Day.