First day back into reality after the holiday hustle was a very anxiety rich day for me. My house was still and quiet for the first time in 2 weeks and I had 2 confirmations for speaking in public settings with 2 different initiatives. I wasn’t sure if maybe the silence was deafening in here or if the fear of speaking on platforms larger than any I have participated on before, was intensifying my anxiety. Anxiety that I haven’t really seen or worried about for a few weeks. The holiday hustle is over and the bustle into a new year was banging on my door. Back to reality!
‘Synchronicity and grief’ is a term I learned along this way. It’s funny how certain things cross our paths at just the right moment in time to assist us with some things in life. Synchronicity has presented itself to me so many times since 2016 that it makes it difficult for me to NOT believe in the term, “everything happens for a reason”. Monday, January 6, 2020, synchronicity and life, helped not only me on some decision making but also, my mom and the ongoing silly issue of remote control setups for their household that are continually messed up by my stepdad and his lack of tech knowledge. One situation is comical.. the other, an opening to get myself back to what I’ve always wanted to be doing. Synchronicity and life on January 6th, it helped take away the MASSIVE self doubt and anxiety I was having about my ability and credibility to share my personal story on the biggest platform I have ever had the opportunity to share on.
This month, I will be speaking on a family panel at a compassionate care workshop facilitated by and agency called PAIL (Pregnancy and infant loss) Network. PAIL has been a source of support for me since 2016 when I found their page on Facebook. Funnily enough, I carry no fear or anxiety about speaking on this panel. I am not phased at all by speaking to a room full of professionals who provide care and services to families who experience pregnancy and/or infant loss. NO FEAR, whatsoever. I am quiet excited to be a part of something that can help bring more knowledge and understanding to devastating losses such as mine. I couldn’t understand myself. How I could be unnerved by one speaking opportunity however, so anxiety ridden and quite frankly, scared shitless over the other? One being done in a room FULL of people with eyes on me, no fear, but, a room with cameras recording, well, that’s a whole other damn story.
Blue Monday as defined by wikipedia: “Blue Monday is a name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) claimed to be the most depressing day of the year.” This year, that day is January 20th. Rogers TV in my hometown broadcasts a 12hr marathon called ‘KickBack: Blue Monday”. A program and marathon that opens the discussion about mental health with professional agencies and services as well as people like me, with personal stories and lived experience. Exciting, right? It’s been a very strong passion for me to help others see and believe that healing and recovery is possible and that we are always so much more than we believe ourselves to be, even at our worst because, quite frankly, I’ve been in the darkest of places and I am still standing. However, I began to question just how “healed” I really am. Would it be hypocritical of me to sit and discuss my journey when really, I still struggle, sometimes so desperately, even in recent time? Who am I to sit and discuss recovery and healing when I’m still trying to navigate my way through mental health, addiction and grieving hell??? I worried about what people who TRULY know the inner workings of me and my daily life would think, if they would look at me and see a fake facade. When really, the people in my life who truly know me that way, would probably the proudest of me for even doing this at all. Self doubt, to the max!!! I haven’t felt self doubt like I did this week in a very long time. Than, it came. That synchronicity. Scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook I came across a picture (Seen below) on a post that spoke to me. Attached to it were the words about what recovery is. That it’s a journey, not a destination. If I sit in this self doubt that I’m not “ready”, in the cycle of recovery and healing with that mindset, I never will be ready. I will always be a work in progress and I reminded myself of my last blog where I explained that I am perfectly OK with my progress or lack thereof!
The self doubt and massive anxiety around how I would look to some, it reminded me just how far I have come. Almost 4 years of self discovery and recovery and healing within my mental health, addiction and grief. I know myself better than I ever would have had allllll this synchronicity and my life not occured. I will never be good with the prices paid in ways to get me here, but, I will always be grateful that I am better for it. I am beyond thrilled to share my experiences and hope to give someone, just one person, the ability to believe in themselves and to hold on! To keep hope alive and believe that there is so much more beauty in the depths of mental health, addiction and grieving than just darkness. I said yes to appear on KickBack. Thank you, synchronicity and life.
If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and require support or more information please go to: https://pailnetwork.sunnybrook.ca/ and for more information about Rogers TV KickBack: Blue Monday please go to: https://rogerstv.com/show?lid=12&rid=7&sid=7966&tid=41095