On Healing and Recovery…

It’s day 32 of lockdown and day 15 of the stay at home order for the province of Ontario, Canada. It feels like day 1000 to some. I know for myself, I’m beginning to feel some cabin fever in ways and frustration in the fact that I am off work, while our province gets its shit together.

I was in a VASTLY different environment during our lockdown here in 2020. 2020 was unkind to the majority and for so many different reasons why. The environment I find myself in during this 2nd lockdown is healthy. It’s filled with support, care and concern. Truth be told, I was battling my mental health, heavy grief I had not acknowledged and with those, addiction during the 1st lockdown. I was a walking concurrent disorder until the end of August 2020.

I faced nuisances from human beings I trusted and cared about and learned allllll over again what boundaries are and that it’s ok to enforce them for myself. I did just that and still had nuisances fighting those boundaries. A sign of non acceptance on their part, not mine. Hindsight is always 20/20. When it all came to a head at the end of August, as angry and hurt I was by others, I couldn’t be anything but honest with myself about my reality. My role in my own demise in 2020 was equally as harmful as the nuisances of others because the fact is, we are what we allow and life is all about the choices we make. My choices sucked!!!

In the wake of the exploding head in August, September brought some new light. Fresh light to a very dark world I was living in. I got back into intensive therapy with a local agency to address my ever declining mental state, the grief I was carrying and stuck in and my newfound addiction with an illicit drug, rather than alcohol this time. Not knowing how or where to begin again was paining me. Harming me and the environment in which I lived and cared for my son. My circumstance left me no other option or choice. I was forced to address it all. Much like an incident after my infant sons passing, it was the best thing that could’ve happened amidst a very shitty situation.

One of the largest bumps for me to overcome was feeling like I had done this work all before, only to bring me where I was again. It was difficult to understand how I could’ve fallen so hard when I knew better or thought I did at least. This is where my concurrent disorder clinician came into huge play. Reminding me upon my initial assessment (a 2.5hr process in which my truths fell) that I had lived and endured trauma of great significance and impact to my life. Reminding me my PTSD diagnosis was diagnosed for a reason and that my responses to trauma were valid, even if not healthy. What I laid on the table with my clinician that day, it laid the foundation for the recovery and healing I not only needed, but, also desperately wanted underneath my numb and cold mind, body and soul.

I find myself today, sitting here typing with clarity. The clarity I had 2 years ago today when I first created “My Afterglow”. A blog I dreamed of writing to not only help me, but, others too. To share my story of living after loss. To help remind everyone that there is a rise to every fall. To bring awareness to grief. A topic with so much stigma around it, no different than mental illness and addiction. That therapy with a professional is the healthiest choice to make to address all the issues and illnesses we may face, be it body, mind or spirit. That admitting we are not ok, is OK!! That it’s ok to not be ok and it’s OK to ask for help! It is by far the strongest thing I have now ever done for myself. Ask for help. Times are trying at the best of times and during COVID times the struggle becomes even greater for some who may never have experienced things like anxiety, let alone anxiety to just go get grocery’s! Reach out to professional and personal supports! Doing it for the 2nd time in my life, it saved me.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to “My AfterGlow”…. I’ve never been prouder to live my truths, to live and share my story and I hope 2021 finds be blogging more than ever before.

On Acceptance…

Of all the definition points of acceptance, I feel the most appropriate for grief would be “willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation”. Noted under this definition of acceptance are words like tolerance, endurance, sufferance and forbearance. Words that seem to encompass the word resilience in ways.

It is my experience that in order to find acceptance, especially in grief, we must understand the pain and the changes to ourselves that has come from it. Pain changes people. Whether better to bitter or bitter to better, pain paves paths we never dreamt we’d walk.

Understanding and addressing my pain has been a battle for years and for many reasons however, in hindsight, at this moment, I’ve learned enough to understand and be self aware in a wise and healthy mind to make the choices that have brought me to these days I have been recently living that remind me of a place where I have lived before when life wasn’t a fogged bowl of pea soup to navigate daily. A place of happiness and calm. A place of belief and faith in the idea that life IS going to be ok.

Making peace with pain and acceptance of that pain is a difficult task in any scenario. Finding peace in child loss for example, has been quite frankly, the most painful hell for myself. I still struggle in it and may always. There’s an unspoken grief to child loss that seems to be a “faux pas” of sorts in “normal” life. People can’t fathom the loss of anyone let alone their children and it’s not spoken about near as often as it should be. Stigmas remain. There is shocking self doubt in even the bravest, an unspoken guilt in the aftermath of it. I have torn myself apart and down in the loss of my son because I could not save him and as a Mom, every instinct I have is to be that protective mother who had it sooooo together that she of course should, could and would save her child from sudden infant death syndrome. Reasonable, yes?! Of course not!! A coroner told me so however, that is the world of child loss and an example of how a mind created self expectations and doubt. Enough that it allowed me to lose discipline and control of myself.

All of the acceptance I have found has come because of some epiphany in self awareness and in healing. Perspective allows insight and in the fine and many many details we face in grief in loss or life, we need perspective in order to navigate a path of healing and healthy living. Acceptance is a regiment. It’s a daily affirmation and self routine applicable to any form of recovery and healing. It’s self discipline that can give so much clarity to a scattered and disorganized mind, body and spirit. Its utilizing professional and personal healthy supports. It’s believing and having faith that everything is going to be ok and after losing site of that twice in my life now, this round of lessons is making me feel like just maybe, the third time may just be my charm. Maybe I am resilient enough to endure and live the beauty of my pain. All I can do is believe.

Synchronicity and life…

First day back into reality after the holiday hustle was a very anxiety rich day for me. My house was still and quiet for the first time in 2 weeks and I had 2 confirmations for speaking in public settings with 2 different initiatives. I wasn’t sure if maybe the silence was deafening in here or if the fear of speaking on platforms larger than any I have participated on before, was intensifying my anxiety. Anxiety that I haven’t really seen or worried about for a few weeks. The holiday hustle is over and the bustle into a new year was banging on my door. Back to reality!

‘Synchronicity and grief’ is a term I learned along this way. It’s funny how certain things cross our paths at just the right moment in time to assist us with some things in life. Synchronicity has presented itself to me so many times since 2016 that it makes it difficult for me to NOT believe in the term, “everything happens for a reason”. Monday, January 6, 2020, synchronicity and life, helped not only me on some decision making but also, my mom and the ongoing silly issue of remote control setups for their household that are continually messed up by my stepdad and his lack of tech knowledge. One situation is comical.. the other, an opening to get myself back to what I’ve always wanted to be doing. Synchronicity and life on January 6th, it helped take away the MASSIVE self doubt and anxiety I was having about my ability and credibility to share my personal story on the biggest platform I have ever had the opportunity to share on.

This month, I will be speaking on a family panel at a compassionate care workshop facilitated by and agency called PAIL (Pregnancy and infant loss) Network. PAIL has been a source of support for me since 2016 when I found their page on Facebook. Funnily enough, I carry no fear or anxiety about speaking on this panel. I am not phased at all by speaking to a room full of professionals who provide care and services to families who experience pregnancy and/or infant loss. NO FEAR, whatsoever. I am quiet excited to be a part of something that can help bring more knowledge and understanding to devastating losses such as mine. I couldn’t understand myself. How I could be unnerved by one speaking opportunity however, so anxiety ridden and quite frankly, scared shitless over the other? One being done in a room FULL of people with eyes on me, no fear, but, a room with cameras recording, well, that’s a whole other damn story.

Blue Monday as defined by wikipedia: “Blue Monday is a name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) claimed to be the most depressing day of the year.” This year, that day is January 20th. Rogers TV in my hometown broadcasts a 12hr marathon called ‘KickBack: Blue Monday”. A program and marathon that opens the discussion about mental health with professional agencies and services as well as people like me, with personal stories and lived experience. Exciting, right? It’s been a very strong passion for me to help others see and believe that healing and recovery is possible and that we are always so much more than we believe ourselves to be, even at our worst because, quite frankly, I’ve been in the darkest of places and I am still standing. However, I began to question just how “healed” I really am. Would it be hypocritical of me to sit and discuss my journey when really, I still struggle, sometimes so desperately, even in recent time? Who am I to sit and discuss recovery and healing when I’m still trying to navigate my way through mental health, addiction and grieving hell??? I worried about what people who TRULY know the inner workings of me and my daily life would think, if they would look at me and see a fake facade. When really, the people in my life who truly know me that way, would probably the proudest of me for even doing this at all. Self doubt, to the max!!! I haven’t felt self doubt like I did this week in a very long time. Than, it came. That synchronicity. Scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook I came across a picture (Seen below) on a post that spoke to me. Attached to it were the words about what recovery is. That it’s a journey, not a destination. If I sit in this self doubt that I’m not “ready”, in the cycle of recovery and healing with that mindset, I never will be ready. I will always be a work in progress and I reminded myself of my last blog where I explained that I am perfectly OK with my progress or lack thereof!

The self doubt and massive anxiety around how I would look to some, it reminded me just how far I have come. Almost 4 years of self discovery and recovery and healing within my mental health, addiction and grief. I know myself better than I ever would have had allllll this synchronicity and my life not occured. I will never be good with the prices paid in ways to get me here, but, I will always be grateful that I am better for it. I am beyond thrilled to share my experiences and hope to give someone, just one person, the ability to believe in themselves and to hold on! To keep hope alive and believe that there is so much more beauty in the depths of mental health, addiction and grieving than just darkness. I said yes to appear on KickBack. Thank you, synchronicity and life.

If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and require support or more information please go to: https://pailnetwork.sunnybrook.ca/ and for more information about Rogers TV KickBack: Blue Monday please go to: https://rogerstv.com/show?lid=12&rid=7&sid=7966&tid=41095

The dawn of a new decade…

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“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” But is it really? Maybe for some of us however, not all of us. So many people I care about, are struggling. Whether the struggle is with mental health, addiction, grief or just general stress around the pressures of the holiday season, life struggle doesn’t end because the holidays are here. The holiday season doesn’t take the pain of missing loved ones away, or the want to use substance or flick poor mental health off until they are over. The holidays are a trigger for some pretty shitty emotions that can trigger and affect our mental states into some very sad, isolating and devastating places.

Growing up, I remember the holidays being such a joyful time of year. Even after the separation of my parents, my Christmas’ remained intact. My mom made sure of that for my siblings and I. I remember happiness with family and friends. Christmas eve at both my grandparents houses with so much family and than in our home where my mom and friends would gather while drinking and laughing and singing carols as my mom played the piano. Bailey’s , I remember Bailey’s and sneaking sips as a kid (yup mom, I did) until I was old enough to be allowed to have a few drinks in my mom’s home with all my friends who were now a part of our Christmas eve tradition. A message Christmas eve from an old friend reminiscing about those fun times, brought a world of good to my mind! New beginnings and changing environments happen every day. And things may not be what they used to or how we envisioned them to be but, there’s a calm and endearing feeling to finding peace within ourselves when we usually expect to feel pain. Memories. They have the ability to make us smile and appreciate or, break down and concede and live anguished.

This year, the anguish and pain of the ridiculous hands I’ve seen wasn’t so present. For almost 4yrs, I’ve learned to appreciate more rather than wallow. I’ve battled my love/hate relationship with alcohol for almost 4yrs come next May, I’ve grieved death in ways I never knew existed for over 4yrs, I’ve learned self love and preservation and how to maintain boundaries in order to keep myself and be the best I can be to those around me, this past 4yrs. I’ve worked so hard for this. Approaching a new decade brings so much ‘bittersweetness’ to my thoughts and life. I’m still not where I completely want to be however, I sure have come one hell of a long way. Deep trenches of crap and I’ve never been prouder to know myself and be better for it all. I still have and probably will make poor decisions at times and feel the anguish of my experiences and always will. Life is continuous learning even in the best of circumstances. Choosing not to let the bad drive our beings, that’s a level to strive for.

The dawn of a new decade is upon us together with the closing of this year. And though I thought and hoped this year would be the calmest and clearest of the past 10, I’m just fine with it’s progress and/or lack there of for myself. There’s still so much more I need and want and will strive for, learning to be patient in the process has been half the battle. “Patience is a blessing” is a quote a friend from recovery said to me at the very beginning of this past 4 yrs for me. He lost his battle to alcoholism earlier this year. His insight to negotiating life in the mind of a Borderline personality addict, will never leave my mind.

I have had so many positive blessings with all of the pain. I’ve met, shared with, had long conversations and keep contact with some incredible people who never fail to help remind me how lucky I am to have breath, let alone a decent attitude. Ones who allow me to be devastatingly sad and than ridiculously happy and laughing about it in the next moment, without judgement. My relationships from personal to professional are better from all I have lived. I am grateful beyond for it. My family and friends are second to none and have made this season easier to endure. It’s not that the pain isn’t there, it’s that it was allowed to be there and the laughter and joy is so much sweeter because of that. Hold on, pain ends… HOPE.

May 2020 bring so much good to all to everyone. Life is what we make it. Make it matter. Make it authentic and real. Make it beautiful! Cheers to a new year, a new decade and new beginning for all. Happy New Year!!!

For my dear friend, Rick P… Your brilliant mind will never be forgotten. I hope your soul is at peace, my friend…