Category: Uncategorized

For some, ignorance is bliss…

A knock at my door this week gave me quite the mind trip afterward. Two Jehovah’s witnesses came to my door and at the time I thought nothing of it. When I opened the door to them (a male and female), the male immediately handed me a pamphlet and said “We’re inviting you to the death of Jesus.” I said a very robotic, “Thanks” took the pamphlet and closed my door not processing what was said, I just wanted these door knockers off my porch no matter what their sell was. Not 10 mins later, it registered to me that I was just invited to death. WTF?!?

My immediate reaction was to run down the road and ask if their approach had any consideration for what my life environment may be and tell them that if they were trying to ‘recruit’ me, so to speak, their flair for empathy, was the most ignorant I had seen. Religious beliefs aside.

I did not grow up in a religious home. My parents were not church going people. I was on baseball diamonds Sundays, either playing myself or watching my mom, sister, brother. NFL Sundays. Those were my Sundays. I’ve always struggled with religion and recently have contemplated trying to go into a church just to see how it makes me feel. To see if it does or has potential to help on some level. For myself and Jackson. My battle with a higher power has been an interesting one to say the least lately. I’m just not sure after all the shaking up of shit, what exactly I’m believing in again sometimes. Pieces are missing and though I am coping, I do know I need more. So does Jackson. Continuous learning is never a bad thing. It’s a touchy thing, religion. I’m an open thinker and believer for the most part. That we all bleed the same colour blood and that empathy bleeds love. Even if we disagree.

Ignorance is bliss to some. It can kill a lot. It has and does. From war to politics, personal relationships, the list goes on. Ignorance killed hope for me last year. I refuse to let it again. People are ignorant jerks sometimes. I concede to understand that I don’t have to agree or engage with those people. Boundaries are a great tool to have for that. Especially a physical one like a door that allows me to close the invitation to the death of Jesus at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday morning.

Ignorance has closed my heart off to a lot, made me hyper vigilant and given me a cold and dark sense of humour at times. I do not allow ignorance inside whenever possible. Be with those who are good for you, they say. I think ignorance has somewhat stolen my spontaneity, sense of security and even the ability to open myself intimately to any one or thing. There’s more, I’m sure. That’s where the missing really show to me though. It’s hard to process and heal through it all while parenting a grieving little boy as well. We don’t need ignorance. We, need love and understanding.

The Four agreements are such a simple moral ground base for me…

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Don’t take anything personally
  3. Don’t make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

Basic life skills. 101. Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz.

To the Jehovah witnesses that brought death to my door, no offense to you or your religious beliefs, but, Screw you!! We will be declining your invitation. I watched real death, it’s been at my door twice in very traumatic ways. It profoundly changed my everything and I don’t feel your religion is what I need to help me feel whole again. I’m almost inclined to send your organization a complaint but, I strongly feel it will fall on ignorant eyes and you’d still just try and push your beliefs on my situational needs so, I’ll find something more constructive to do with my time.

For now, my religion is love, kindness and empathy. I may be somewhat at war with my higher power, however, those 3 beliefs within myself will never change. We should celebrate and believe that we all are allowed to have our own higher power, whether or not we agree with others beliefs, or not. Whether its a religious belief or an opinion of the ignorant… you can have your say however, people do not have to listen nor do they have to care. Don’t be ignorant. Be open always to understand that we may all not ever find understanding, but, we can still be kind and respect difference. We can also appreciate those differences in peace. Life is a kaleidoscope of views.

Those Designer Genes…

This past few weeks, my son Brandon has been so present in my mind and thoughts. He always is, however, these thoughts aren’t the ‘norm’.

March 21 or 3/21 marks World Down Syndrome Day. Brandon was born with Trisomy 21, better known as, Down Syndrome. I celebrate this day with family, friends and professionals worldwide and always will. They have all been touched in some way by one simple, little, extra chromosome. Just like how Brandon’s short life with DS, touched mine.

Getting Brandon’s diagnosis… terrifying. Life changing. A month at McMaster Children’s hospital, in and out of the NICU after emergency surgery to repair a duodenal atresia, issue after issue, all while trying to absorb that I was now the mother of a child with a disability and there were no if, and’s or buts about it. Brandon would always have Down Syndrome. Wrapping my brain around that was not difficult, but, it was taxing. I started researching the crap outta DS, found the Down Syndrome Association of Hamilton and joined support groups via social media and was welcomed into a world of human beings who supported and cared beyond borders. A virtual family of support for this new life path we were now embarking on. Overwhelming support and visions of success in what in the ‘old days’ of DS seemed impossible. I was getting messages from parents young and old about how much their lives had changed for the good when that extra chromosome came into their life. I managed to gather it all together and was able to envision a productive and successful life for my sweet boy. I had hope in heaping loads and felt the strongest purpose I had ever felt in my life. A new path had been paved.

My recent thoughts have been around all the beautiful things I envisioned for my sweet boy and all the milestones we will never get to or celebrate. I mean, we didn’t even make it to his first birthday. It was gut wrenching, soul crushing and devastating to see the new path I thought we were paving, GONE. Literally, overnight. The solid stepping stones were ripped from beneath me and everything I thought I was doing and knew was gone. All the dreams, wishes and aspirations, GONE. I felt I had failed as a mom. I luckily had a coroner who took the time to make very clear to me that no matter what, there was nothing that I could have done. This wasn’t my fault. Had I gone left not right the day before etc, it could not and would not have changed the fact that SIDS takes the lives of infants without any known cause. In the wake of Brandon’s passing, I struggled desperately with the why. What was the purpose, his purpose? Brandon became a catalyst for my recovery and I made peace with my own thought that his purpose was to remind me that I still have purpose and I ran with it and had massive success.

It’s been so difficult walking a path of heavy grief again. I’ve been here. I did this already and I’ve been so angry at times knowing I’m again grieving and feeling like I’m not progressing forward after all the exhausting and deep digging I did to be able to keep moving forward in the first place. I keep thinking to myself over and over again, be all the things you loved about the person you lost. I am desperately trying to be, trust me! My mental health gets in the way sometimes and I’ve had some ridiculous hiccups from asshole humans along the way since early 2018, however, feeling like you’re running to stand still and doing all the work all over again that you thought you already did… It made me want to give up. Than I see my thoughts about Brandon, all the milestones I grieve for us to not celebrate with him, all the strength and endurance he showed me through being poked and prodded in his first 35 days of life. How can I give up on me when I would never have given up on him. No different than any of my children. Especially Jackson. What is me giving up going to serve into our already torn apart world? Nothing, except more pain and my Jackson has endured enough loss already, just like me.

I’m re-drawing lessons, strengths, thoughts from Brandon’s passing and the aftermath. I’m remembering to keep on fighting just like he did. To be courageous, like him. To hit milestones and celebrate them because had I not had my experience with Brandon, I may not truly know just how momentous they are or how my designer genes which are rich in mental health diagnosis make me my very own designer gene rockstar, just like him. I remind myself that I can endure, just like he did. I have endured and I am still standing despite it. When you awake to a lifeless child in their crib and frantically go into panic racing for a phone to dial 911, desperately trying to put breath back into your child, well, that changes you, just a wee bit and it’s enough to break you. Facing a second traumatic loss has just complicated things but, I’m still navigating while standing and I have Brandon to thank for that. Without his life, his lesson that different is beautiful, that courage and strength come in some of the smallest packages, I would not be here today. I found beauty within unimaginable pain and it can be done in any and all situations and scenarios if only we are patient enough to allow the stepping stones to fall where they may, on their own.

Thank you, to my Rockstar Brandon. You were and still are a gift and person I draw so much from. You never steer me wrong. We miss and love you, so very much. These next steps for me are dedicated to you. I love you, my sweet Brandon.

To learn more about World Down Syndrome Day click here:

https://www.worlddownsyndromeday2.org/about-wdsd


It’s fitting…

Today, is #BellLetsTalk day here in Canada and though my blog is still ‘under construction’, I feel it all too fitting to share it with the world today.

I am the face of mental illness. I have 4 mental health illnesses that impede on how I live my life daily and slap some massive grief on top of that and we have, me.  I may struggle, however, I do everything possible to find the light in the dark, the beauty within pain, the afterglow of my life after loss and mental health diagnosis’.  And laughter, well, it’s just one of the best medicines out there.

I work diligently to cope and understand.  I also work hard to make my story heard.  If my story can help just one, just one person, reach out, talk , live their truth, than I have succeeded.

The stigmas that come with mental illness have consequences beyond what some of us could ever imagine.  The consequences of living in shame or fear that stigmas around mental health can cause, they are fatal and not just physically.  Stigma, it can take our heart, but, also our souls.  To some of the darkest places.  In the depths of darkness, I have found corners of darkness within myself I never knew existed.  They lead to suicide ideation, isolation from any type of support, professional or personal and the list goes on and on and on.

Speaking my truth to not only the world, but also, to myself, it helped save me.  It also allows me to live my truth, unapologetically, every single day.  I still struggle in the stigmas that have held me back in the past few years, but I have a ‘0 fucks given’ attitude towards the shamers or blamers. I know my truths and I don’t have to justify them to anyone!

I was 38 years old when my truths fell.  Time lost is a lesson learned, they say.  It just makes me that much more passionate about living life at 40 and how I want to move forward in peer work with others who suffer just as I have and continue to learn, heal and grow within my mental health.

If you suffer, reach out!  I assure you, I am only here today because of my strength and courage to do just that and you can do it to!!!

My name is Lindsay Beal and I am the face of mental health.